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sleepyscholar
[It was supposed to be just an ordinary class outing to take care of a bandit problem.
Oh, sure, these class outings are usually dangerous; bandits aren't simply going to roll over and allow a bunch of students to kill them, but this is hardly the first time the Black Eagles have been tasked with such a thing. They head out and take care of the problem with no real issues. Sometimes some of them are injured, but Linhardt can always keep them healthy until they can be taken care of back at the monastery.
So Hubert wasn't really expecting anything different today. The woods they've engaged the bandits in are thick and make traversing through them difficult, however; that's most likely how they managed to get separated from the rest of their class. The sounds of a clash can still be heard distantly, but for now...
Well, for now, he and Linhardt are separated from the others. That isn't necessarily a problem; he likes Linhardt well enough, and while Linhardt doesn't like to fight, Hubert can certainly look out for both of them. The bigger problem is that Linhardt is their healer, which means Lady Edelgard is out there without a healer in case she ends up in a bad situation. Rejoining the rest of their class is the top priority.
(It has nothing to do with the fact that being alone with Linhardt is... not exactly ideal. They're friends, yes. He likes Linhardt, yet. The problem is that he likes Linhardt entirely too much and being alone with him sends Hubert's pulse skyrocketing and those thoughts become almost impossible to ignore. He cannot afford to split his focus like that in battle, not when something could happen to Lady Edelgard and he isn't even there to protect her right now—)
Needless to say, he's very antsy as he picks his way through the trees and bushes. He's on high-alert, as always. Most of the bandits are most likely fighting their fellow students, but they've had to fend off a few stragglers so far, so he certainly isn't about to let down his guard.]
We need to make it to the others quickly.
[This would be easier if the trees weren't so overgrown... How are you doing, Linhardt?]
Oh, sure, these class outings are usually dangerous; bandits aren't simply going to roll over and allow a bunch of students to kill them, but this is hardly the first time the Black Eagles have been tasked with such a thing. They head out and take care of the problem with no real issues. Sometimes some of them are injured, but Linhardt can always keep them healthy until they can be taken care of back at the monastery.
So Hubert wasn't really expecting anything different today. The woods they've engaged the bandits in are thick and make traversing through them difficult, however; that's most likely how they managed to get separated from the rest of their class. The sounds of a clash can still be heard distantly, but for now...
Well, for now, he and Linhardt are separated from the others. That isn't necessarily a problem; he likes Linhardt well enough, and while Linhardt doesn't like to fight, Hubert can certainly look out for both of them. The bigger problem is that Linhardt is their healer, which means Lady Edelgard is out there without a healer in case she ends up in a bad situation. Rejoining the rest of their class is the top priority.
(It has nothing to do with the fact that being alone with Linhardt is... not exactly ideal. They're friends, yes. He likes Linhardt, yet. The problem is that he likes Linhardt entirely too much and being alone with him sends Hubert's pulse skyrocketing and those thoughts become almost impossible to ignore. He cannot afford to split his focus like that in battle, not when something could happen to Lady Edelgard and he isn't even there to protect her right now—)
Needless to say, he's very antsy as he picks his way through the trees and bushes. He's on high-alert, as always. Most of the bandits are most likely fighting their fellow students, but they've had to fend off a few stragglers so far, so he certainly isn't about to let down his guard.]
We need to make it to the others quickly.
[This would be easier if the trees weren't so overgrown... How are you doing, Linhardt?]
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Had Hubert been following them? Well, that doesn't matter now. For the moment, Linhardt can think of little but how utterly embarrassed he is by the whole situation, and maybe, just maybe, a hint of relief that Hubert came by when he did. So when Stas seems like he's ready to pick a fight, he speaks up, trying to make sure that doesn't happen.]
It's okay. Just go. We can talk later. [That turns out to be the wrong thing to say. Stas starts to storm off back to the ballroom, and leaves him with a few parting words: Didn't really want an easy slut like you, anyway.
Linhardt feels frozen in place as he watches the other student hurry away. Those words echo in his mind, his face growing red with the humiliation of being insulted in such a way, especially in front of Hubert of all people. Was that what Hubert thought of him as well? An easy slut?
He'd fallen into the same damned trap again. His throat felt suddenly tight, and he turned his face away, wanting to run and hide just then. Perhaps he'd been leaving himself too vulnerable lately by daring to drop his usual rude, off-putting attitude to a more bearable level. Now it seemed that even when he actually tried to open up to new people, they still hated him.
In that moment, Linhardt felt like nothing. Forever a disappointment to his family, to his class, and to himself.
With so many emotions threatening to overwhelm him, it takes a little bit before he can bring himself to say anything to Hubert.]
I think I will... go to bed early tonight. You should get back to the ball.
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It's only years of training and self-discipline that keep him from hurling a spell at Stas' retreating back. Doing so would reflect very poorly on Lady Edelgard, and he certainly can't allow that. But if he had been certain he could get away with it...
Well, Linhardt would never have to worry about Stas again.
Linhardt finally speaks up, and though he doesn't sound particularly upset by anything that just happened, Hubert has to wonder just how much of this has shaken Linhardt.
It takes him a moment to finally turn and look at his classmate.]
...Allow me to accompany you.
[There's something he wants to say, he just doesn't know how to put it into words. If he can buy himself just a bit longer, maybe he can work it out.
He realizes how that sounds after it's out there, and glances away.]
I want to ensure he doesn't cause you any trouble on the way back.
[It's unlikely, and Hubert could easily just watch Stas for awhile until he was certain Linhardt was safe in his room. But this... This is something he wants to do. This is something he can do.
He can't be what Linhardt needs and wants in a partner, but at the very least, he can protect him.]
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While he's done his best to push back his feelings for him over time, they haven't actually gone anywhere. His chest still has a tendency to ache when he looks at Hubert for too long, and he feels pain and regret whenever he goes over their last private meeting together.
Hearing this offer now just makes everything come to head at once, most likely because of the stress of the current situation. And while Linhardt keeps his expression mostly neutral for the time being, there are certainly hints that he's feeling far from okay. Just the effort he puts into a carefree demeanor is probably telling enough.]
He went in the opposite direction. I will surely be safe.
[He turns, finding it difficult to keep up the facade while facing Hubert head-on.]
Hubert. I have been very cordial with you. That said, we allies and classmates, but that is all. I...
[Without realizing, his hands curl into fists, his shoulders shaking slightly. And just like that, he blurts out his thoughts.]
At least Stas told me what he thought of me. You couldn't even look me in the eyes when you left like a coward.
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And he's right, really. There isn't any denying that he fled, that he hadn't offered an explanation or anything to attempt to make it easier on Linhardt. What was he supposed to say? There wasn't anything that would have made that any easier, and there isn't anything now that will help either.
Perhaps the smartest thing to do would be to walk away again. But he doesn't want to, not when there's a chance to confront this and maybe (maybe) make things a bit easier on Linhardt.
(And perhaps he can allow himself to hope that Linhardt won't find himself wandering off with handsy, crude jerks if he just tries to talk about this—)
He doesn't flee, at least, not yet. His eyes have strayed from Linhardt at some point, but he corrects it now.]
If Stas was going to be angry at anyone, it should have been me. His words were cruel. He's lucky he was able to walk away.
[He can't ignore Linhardt's words though, and after a short pause, he nods.]
You're right. I did flee from you that day. You have my apologies for my behavior.
I... don't wish for any harm to come to you. I can't be what you need and want in a partner, but I can at least look out for you.
[It's for the best, he has to tell himself. Because no matter how badly he'd like to pull Linhardt into his arms and forget about everything else, he never can. It's for the best to let him go.]
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He's angry, hurt and frustrated and he's had enough.]
Then why did you pretend you could be? What were you after? I told you how I felt and you just... ran off and have ignored me since! Do you have any idea how much that hurt?
[He knows he's raising his voice and getting loud, but at the moment it's difficult to care. Linhardt can't bother with Hubert 'looking after him' if he doesn't even know why he's done the things he's done.]
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I'm not after anything. If I wanted something from you, surely you know I wouldn't resort to methods like this.
[This is entirely too clumsy, relying entirely on things he isn't good at and never will be good at. If he wanted something from Linhardt, intimidation or threats or blackmail or bribery would all work better. Those are things he's used to, not... any of this, really.]
I know I hurt you, and I am sorry for that. But I can't...
[He exhales slowly and tries again.]
I'm the sort of person who will only hurt you more in the long run. I cannot ever put anyone above Lady Edelgard in terms of importance. It doesn't matter who they are or how important they may be to me, Lady Edelgard will always come first.
...I'm sorry. I can't make this any easier on you. I can't be someone worthy of you.
[That last part isn't exactly what he was planning on saying, but it's certainly true. Linhardt deserves someone who can and will love him and care for him, someone who won't hurt him and someone who won't push him aside when it's required of them. He deserves someone who can be there for him, someone who hasn't devoted their entire being to something and someone else, someone who doesn't have anything left of himself to give to anyone else.
Hubert doesn't regret his decision to support Lady Edelgard in her goal. He doesn't regret painting the path before her a brilliant shade of scarlet. But for a brief moment, he can see where his life could have been very different, and maybe he'll allow himself a single moment where he could long for what life could be like with Linhardt instead.]
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Perhaps that day he'd been acting abnormally because of their experience together that led Hubert to saving his life. Maybe Hubert thought, with that rush of adrenaline and emotions, that he really could be with Linhardt. Now he feels like he should have seen it, should have given it a few days before pursuing. Then he probably would have gotten this very response.
Gradually, the anger fades from his face, replaced instead by something more downcast and tired.
Someone worthy of him. What a joke. As though he could possibly ever begin to approach the importance, strength, dedication and beauty of someone like Edelgard. If a perfect person could be defined, it would probably be her.]
...No. I'm sorry for snapping at you.
[He just needs to let go of this infatuation. Like Hubert said, Edelgard will always come first.
If only it was that simple.]
I don't really think you're a coward, either. You know where your life is going and what you need to achieve your goals. I'm actually envious of you.
[Meanwhile, the year is going by and Linhardt still feels like he's just barely keeping his head above the water.]
If you really want to accompany me, then that's okay. But there's no need.
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Well, this is for the best. Linhardt will be able to move on and find someone who really is good enough for him, and Hubert can continue to focus on Lady Edelgard and her (their) goals.
It'll be worth it. He knows that. But for now...]
I would like to accompany you. I don't anticipate anything happening, however... I want to be sure nothing will.
[It would be easier to let Linhardt go entirely, but he does mean it. It's difficult - exceptionally difficult - to trust that nothing bad will happen, even when it seems like nothing could go wrong. He doesn't want to let Linhardt go, only for Stas to come after him. It's unlikely, but Hubert isn't one to trust like that.
And maybe it'll be nice to spend a bit longer with Linhardt.]
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That's a good thing. If he's tired, then he doesn't have to spend time awake in his room feeling awful about everything that's happened. By the time he next wakes up the ball will be long over, and he can resume his usual activities.]
If you say so.
[With that, Linhardt turns and continues in the direction of the dorms. Between the party and everything that came after, he's definitely sapped the remainder of his mental and physical energies. With that last bit of adrenaline faded away after Hubert kept calm throughout his outburst, there's really nothing left to keep him awake other than the remaining steps to his room.]
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Hubert doesn't speak as they walk; as far as he's concerned, they've said all that needs to be said. He gave what explanation he could for his behavior, and Linhardt... well, he more or less accepted that that's how things are going to be. Linhardt will move on and Hubert will return to his duties for Lady Edelgard and that's going to have to be good enough.
There simply isn't any other option, after all.
They don't run into any trouble on the way back, which probably just makes him look paranoid. Still, it's fine for Linhardt to assume he's paranoid if it means that Linhardt's safe. Hubert pauses by the door, his gaze lingering on Linhardt for a moment too long before he looks away.]
...Goodnight, Linhardt.
[And even though they'll see each other again tomorrow and every day after until Lady Edelgard springs her plan into action, it almost feels like he's saying goodbye.]
no subject
Goodnight.
[With one last look of regret, he closes the door and prepares for bed.
He will try to move on from this... all of this. Part of that will be halting pursuit of anymore romantic relationships. If he keeps his focus on his studies and doing the things he enjoys, then he won't have time for that anyway.
Perhaps he'll try again when he's older. Perhaps not. It's foolish to make major life plans in a moment of weakness, but he can at least make goals for the next few months.]