pokebox | LOCKED TO blazingspirit

LOCKED TO blazingspirit

[He doesn't remember much about his execution.

Oh sure, he remembers the lead-up to it; he remembers how the others looked on as he was led away and sure, he remembers Ishimaru's screams. He doesn't remember the death cage nor does he remember the sudden pain before it was all over.

It made waking up here incredibly confusing.

"Here" must be some sort of afterlife, but Mondo hasn't been able to figure out what it is, exactly. It's obviously not heaven (he's killed two people, he doesn't belong in heaven), but it doesn't seem to be hell either. Things are monotonous, yes, but they're not bad.

That leaves the option of purgatory, which Mondo is more or less fine with. It's better than spending an eternity suffering. It's probably not right for him to stay here instead of moving on to hell, but he doesn't know how or when that will happen. He's content to leave it at that for the time being.

This place is a rather large city - half of it is full of native English speakers, whom Mondo tends to avoid (his English is atrocious, after all), the other half is full of Japanese speakers. The city itself doesn't seem to be anywhere Mondo has ever seen, but it's large and spread out, with plenty to explore and do. Mondo hasn't seen everything there is to see though; he's only been here for a few weeks, and he knew if he wanted to make ends meet, he'd need a job first. Exploring could wait.

It's convenient that there's a carpenter's shop just down the road from the apartment Mondo woke up in. It might not technically be his, but he's been staying there until he can afford to properly rent it out. No one has complained so far, so he figures it's fine for the time being. The carpenter works him to the bone and he's never been so exhausted in his life when he comes home, but it's a good kind of exhaustion that means he's doing something productive. He can't make up for what he's done in the past, but he can help out here.

He's off work for the day, lounging around in what serves as the living room of his apartment, flipping through the newspaper. The dates here are all screwed up - it's almost winter here and he knows he'll have to put some money away toward buying proper winter clothes. That's only a minor concern though, because he has much bigger things to worry about.

In a city this large, it's possible that he's just missed seeing the others. He hasn't been looking very hard, admittedly. He's not sure what to say to them when he does see them. "Sorry" simply won't cut it for Fujisaki. He doesn't really want to see Kuwata, Enoshima, or Maizono either. He's sure it's only a matter of time before one of them finds him, or before someone else shows up here.

All he can do is hope that it won't be Ishimaru.]

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You didn't kill Daiya - that was an accident, it was a fucking accident and while maybe you caused it, there's a difference between killing someone and...and that!!

[It's the one argument he has and he knows it; there isn't much to be said for Fujisaki and while the issue with Daiya really isn't anything he should even attempt to confront, it's all he's got for the time being and he's so fucking angry and as far as he's concerned there's nothing else to be done.]

He never would have died if it hadn't been for me!! He'd still be alive!! I should've died in his fucking place!!

[That might be a bit of a sore subject, given how Mondo's flat-out screaming now.]

Don't you fucking dare try to write it off as just a fucking accident!! He died to save my fucking life!! It's all my fucking fault!!

He did that because he cared about you and he wanted more than fucking anything to make sure you lived! He fucking chose to save you; you didn't put him in that situation intentionally and most importantly you didn't force him to do it, he saved your fucking life because he fucking loved you!! And I didn't...I don't even know Daiya and I still know that he sure as fuck wouldn't want to hear you talking like this, about how you think you don't deserve to live after he made the fucking choice to save you - people make choices like that because they would rather die than see you die, they make choices like that because they couldn't fucking live with themselves if they didn't!! Are you even thinking about the shit you would have put him through if he'd lived, knowing that he wanted to save you so badly he'd die for it?! Don't you get what that's like?!

Don't you fucking get that I don't like hearing you talk like that because I made the same goddamn choice to save you, except I fucking couldn't do it?!

[His hands are clenched tightly into fists at his sides; he's shaking so badly that he almost doesn't trust himself to remain standing, but somehow, he manages. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he becomes aware that he's crying, tears streaming down his face; he doesn't bother to do anything about it.]

You want to know who I voted for in that fucking trial? I voted for myself.

[And that's about the point when he decides he's had enough; he turns away abruptly and storms out, taking the stairs so quickly that it's a wonder he doesn't fall and slamming the front door after himself so hard that it rattles the goddamn wall.]

[Mondo doesn't respond, but as Ishida goes on his expression fades from fury into confusion. Is it possible that he's had it wrong? That all this time he thought he'd killed Daiya, but Daiya had made that choice in a split-second, he had willingly given his life for Mondo? Is that even possible?

But whether or not it's possible, Ishida has one very good point: Daiya wouldn't want him thinking like this. Daiya wouldn't want to see him suffering like this.

He's barely processed that before Ishida suddenly starts talking about his own choice and Mondo opens his mouth to interrupt, only to find that he doesn't have anything to say. Ishida's in tears and he's upset him horribly and why did he think yelling at Ishida would be a good idea?

Then suddenly that last bit of information is out there and Ishida's storming out the door.]

You... voted for...?

[Ishida's long gone by the time he manages to speak, his voice barely above a whisper.]

Why would you do that? You knew I was behind it. So why...?

[Because he would have done anything to save his brother. He would have given his life for Mondo's. No wonder he doesn't want to hear about this sort of shit.

Mondo sits down on the bed, running a hand back through his hair. He doesn't even realized that he's horribly mussed his pompadour; he's too busy thinking about how horribly wrong he's been. He might not deserve a second chance, but he's been given one and it would be an insult to both Daiya and Ishimaru to waste it. It's not fair that Ishimaru doesn't get that second chance (does Daiya? hell if he knows) but the only thing he can really do is pick himself up and move forward, right? He has to keep living for their sake. That's what they would have wanted.

He draws his legs to his chest and rests his forehead against his knees and breaks down crying. He hasn't cried this hard in years; it's equal parts sorrow, frustration, and relief. Maybe things will be okay. Maybe they really can be okay this time.

But first Ishida needs to come home. He will come home, won't he? All of his stuff is here, so he kind of has to come back at some point. Right?]

[The fact that Ishida doesn't even know where he's going once he's left the apartment doesn't seem to hinder him any; even if he's not headed anywhere in particular, he's making great time in getting there. The shops in the business district near the apartment are beginning to close down for the evening, so returning to work is completely out of the question, not like he'd want to face anyone there while he's so worked up anyway - the only reason he'd want to take up refuge there is because winter has settled in, and it's absolutely fucking freezing out here.

But at least it's a dry sort of cold, as opposed to the sort that's wet and slushy and sticks to your clothes; he eventually finds a bench to occupy for a while, and he promptly folds over once he's settled and buries his face in his hands, trying to get control of himself.

He's interrupted by a familiar voice and, when he looks up, a cup with the local café's logo emblazoned on it hovering in front of his face, dangling easily from manicured nails; he accepts it silently, because the cup is warm and full of something that steams and it seems welcome right now, and before he can really say anything or register what's happening, the college girl from the bookshop is sitting next to him without waiting for an invitation.

When he asks her what she's doing, she says he looks like he needed it; while he isn't inclined to tell her details and he's generally defensive and snappish about it the entire time, she eventually gets parts of what happened out of him - that he'd had a fight with his brother, whom he's living with at the moment, and that he isn't exactly thrilled about going back to the apartment and so he's pretty much wasting time around here until he has to.

She seems to take that as an invitation to decide that he's going to be staying on her couch until he can find a suitable alternative; he's so goddamn confused by this turn of events that he can't exactly say no, and when he does protest she rather obviously willfully misunderstands him, saying that the couch folds out so it's not going to be that uncomfortable.

The girl (Kirihara, her name is Rumiko Kirihara and after working with her for so long, it's this that finally gets him to realize that he should probably work on actually remembering that) manages to pull some strings with their employer the next morning, getting Ishida an advance on his next paycheck so he can buy a few things and delay him having to return to the apartment he's sharing with Mondo at all; he knows that he should feel guilty about that, but the fact is that he doesn't. Thinking about Mondo angers him, but more importantly it hurts; he isn't sure how he'd handle seeing him in person right now, and he isn't in any sort of rush to find out.

Eventually he settles into a routine, or at least something like it; going to work, occupying himself downtown and avoiding that carpentry shop. Waiting until Kirihara decides she wants something to eat and drags him out somewhere (she can't cook, she's terrible at it). Eventually just crashing on her couch, folded-out or not. He misses Mondo, of course he does; he hates how relieved he is that he's being allowed to work around returning to the apartment and facing him again.]

[Ishida doesn't come back that night.

He doesn't come back the next night either, after Mondo takes the day off and waits for him by the door.

By the third night, he realizes that he can't keep waiting for Ishida like this. He'll lose his job at the very least and lose his mind if he doesn't come up with something to do.

So after that he does return to work, though he's exhausted and irritable and he's pretty sure he nearly gets himself fired multiple times within that day alone, but he really can't say he cares. His brother has left him, possibly for good. He's worried about Ishida, of course, where could he have gone? Where is he staying? Hopefully he's at least got some place warm to stay. He hopes Ishida's okay.

It doesn't occur to him until the day after that that Ishida might still be working in the book shop. He doesn't enter the store, but he watches from the outside, hands deep in the pockets of his coat. There's a young girl there - the girl Ishida was talking to that day over a month ago - but he doesn't see Ishida. He's about to give up when he finally notices that white hair and flaming eyes he's all too familiar with. He leaves quickly, hopefully before Ishida notices that he's just been standing around.

A whole week has passed by the time he finally works up the courage to enter that book shop. He knows he shouldn't have waited this long - he should have tried to bring Ishida back long ago - but he's been terrified of what Ishida has to say. It's possible that Ishida simply couldn't get another job right away and is just saving money up so he can get his own place, somewhere far away from Mondo's. Maybe he won't want anything to do with Mondo. Hell, maybe he'll even refuse to speak with him. But he has to try; he needs to apologize for what he said.

So he waits in the shop, looking around at the books with no interest in any of them, hoping that Ishida will show up to talk to him. With his luck, he'll probably get that poor girl.]

[While Ishida hadn't noticed Mondo that day he'd been outside, Kirihara had; he's stocking books toward the back of the shop a week later when she approaches him, telling him that guy with the weird hair is back - the one Ishida used to hang out with sometimes.

Ishida is quiet for a moment, then says he'll help him if he doesn't leave soon.

Of course, Mondo doesn't, and Ishida knows he can only pretend to be interested in the damn books for so long; he finally goes out toward the front, wiping his hands awkwardly on his clothes as he does so.

His voice is clipped when he speaks, but at least he's talking to you.]

Look, are you here to buy something or are you just here to talk? If you're here to buy something, you're in the wrong damn section because the automotive crap is over there, there's some shit about modding that I think you'd like. If you're here to talk, I'm not paid to sit around and chat with customers but I guess I can break early, but only if we can get something to eat in the process because I'm kind of fucking hungry. So which is it?

[Mondo startles when Ishida's voice suddenly rings through the shop, but he can't really stop the smile that comes with it. It's good to hear him again. He's quick to settle back into a more neutral expression though, turning to fully face his friend.]

Ah, really?

[No, now is not the time to get distracted!]

You might wanna take your break early, then. What do you wanna eat?

Yeah, really, I'll show you when we -

[...now isn't the fucking time.]

...look, figure out something to surprise me with while I get shit settled and then we can go, okay? I don't care where we go, but we aren't talking here.

[Last thing he needs is to get fired right now, after all.

He's quick to make arrangements with Kirihara, though, and it isn't long before he's rejoined Mondo, shrugging his coat on as he goes.

He still isn't sure how to feel about this and it's obvious; he seems content to remain fairly distant for now.]

Let's go.

[Mondo knows exactly where he's taking Ishida, but it'll probably seem horribly lame. Still, there are good memories associated with that Italian joint, and if he's perfectly honest, he's using that to hopefully persuade Ishida to come back home. He's not sure he can do it - apologies only go so far, after all - but that's what he's going to try to do.

He takes the lead once they're outside the store, jamming his hands in his pockets to keep from freezing. Of course, the usual coat isn't exactly thick enough for the winters here, so he's cold anyway, but he can handle that.

They arrive at the restaurant and Mondo chances a glance at Ishida before entering. Well. Here we go.]

Look, I... I wanted to apologize. All that shit I said? I was wrong. I don't think I've ever been as fucking wrong as I was about all that.

[They're thankfully seated in a back corner where they won't draw much attention to themselves (assuming they don't start yelling, that is) and Mondo leans his elbows on the table.]

I hadn't thought about it like that; that Daiya willingly gave his life so I could live, that you would've done the same. I'm so fucking sorry. I wish I could take back what I said. I... I know I've really hurt you with that.

[Ishida recognizes where Mondo's taking him; he'd avoided going there with Kirihara for the last week. It didn't feel right - not because it was a bad association in his mind, but because it was still a good one, something he wanted to keep between himself and Mondo and not share with anyone else, especially not when he wasn't sure what to think of Mondo himself for the time being.

Ishida leans back heavily in his seat while Mondo apologizes; he isn't sure what to say to all of it, and for a moment he hates the fact that there isn't really a good way to express that you hear what someone's saying and you get that they're trying to apologize and they're genuinely sorry without immediately defaulting to "It's okay" - because it isn't, not really, and it takes him a while to figure out a response.]

It just really...hurts. A lot. To think that if I'd...done what I wanted and saved you, that you'd...think you'd killed me. And that you didn't...deserve it. Because of that.

[His words are strange, halting, and he's fidgeting quite a bit while he speaks; he can't seem to keep and maintain eye contact.]

I mean, I...I guess I get where that would really fuck with you. Having someone do that. But it also really fucks with you if you want nothing more than to do...that. To be able to save someone. And to know that you can't. Or that you tried and it wasn't good enough.

[...]

I-I mean no matter who lives, they're going to be fucked up. It's a really...a really shit situation like that. It just twists the knife in really hard to think that you could want to save someone and they wouldn't...I don't know, they wouldn't want it. Because they think they don't deserve it. And they just think they should have died anyway.

[Mondo ducks his head after all that's out there; he is not going to get his eyes wet in public, goddammit.]

Like... like I said, I didn't think about it like that. I was just so wrapped up in my own interpretation of shit that I just... I didn't even think about it like that.

[He wants to reach out and touch Ishida. He wants to hug him and mess with his hair and promise him that everything will be okay from now on. He's not sure it will and he's not sure Ishida would even appreciate any of that, so he doesn't move to physically comfort Ishida. He does look up again once he's sure he's not suddenly going to start crying.]

I'm so fucking sorry. I... I'll never think like that again, okay? Or, well, if I do start thinking like that again, I can just remember what you've told me.

[It doesn't matter whether or not he deserves a second chance. He has one, and ending it would be cruel to Daiya and Ishimaru.]

I never should've snapped at you about that shit. I... fuck, I know saying I'm sorry over and over again won't do any good, but I'm not sure what else to say.

[He nods in response to all that, even if he is still staring at the table with an expression so severe you'd think it'd done something to him personally; he looks back up at Mondo for a brief moment before his gaze darts away again.]

It's a lot of shit to think about, y'know? And it...look, you're doing okay, I get what you're saying.

[...]

I-I'm sorry for breaking that promise I made you, by the way. About not...leaving you alone - are you okay?

[It briefly occurs to Mondo that he hasn't been mad at Ishida for breaking that promise. He's been more worried about him than anything else.]

Yeah, I'm fine. How have you been doing? I mean, I guess you must've found some place to stay and all that shit.

[He wants to ask if Ishida's going to stay there permanently. He wants to, but ultimately he doesn't.]

What? Yeah...?

[It takes him a while to work out what Mondo's actually talking about, though; obviously he's still in one piece, and that's what matters as far as he's concerned - it hadn't really occurred to him that Mondo had no way of knowing that until just now.]

...fuck. No, I've been okay! I've had somewhere to stay, it's...kind of really fucking cold otherwise, right?!

Well, yeah, I mean, I figured you found some place! I was just... kinda worried, y'know?

[He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. He doesn't want to make it sound like Ishida couldn't take care of himself, but god was he worried.]

Shit, no, I've been fine. I...I didn't think about that, but I'm good. I've got somewhere to stay, food and all that too. It's okay.

[...]

Sorry. For freaking you out.

It's alright, it's alright! I mean, I know you can take care of yourself, right? So there was no reason to be worried!

[...orz, okay. He isn't sure what to make of Ishida's statement that he has somewhere to stay as opposed to had, but maybe he's just reading too deeply into things.]

So uh... are you...

[Wow, this is really awkward.]

...Are you gonna stay there then?

Of course not! It's just a temporary arrangement, that's all!

[He really hasn't thought much about it, if he's going to be honest, but at least he knows that much for sure.]

[Mondo brightens up immediately.]

Ah, yeah? That's--

[Good to hear but he'll just pretend not to be that excited. That would just be embarrassing.]

Well, you're free to come home whenever you want. I-I mean, if you are coming home and not just looking for a permanent place.

[...orz]

[He falters a bit at that, though he's quick to try to recover himself.]

Y-Yeah, well!! I don't know where else I would go, anyway, and I...

[......]

I'd like that, all right!!

I'm glad to hear it!

[Yes, fine, he'll embarrass himself a bit, okay. He might have gone a bit red, but that's okay, Ishida's coming back eventually!!]

All your stuff's still there, so you can come back whenever you feel like it.

All right, then!

[He hesitates briefly after that's out there, though.]

You're really not mad at me, then?

Why would I be? You pointed out shit I hadn't thought about and then you needed time to cool off. I wouldn't be mad at you for something like that.

[...yes, it really is that simple.]

...Huh. Well, if you're sure!

[...speaking of things being really that simple, jesus.]

Look, we can talk about this later, if you want, but I should probably get back to work before somebody flips their shit over it - I'll see you tonight, yeah?

LOCKED TO blazingspirit

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