LOCKED TO alchemicals

[deaftly]

[He doesn't remember anything. All he knows is that there's a bright light in his face and he just wants to sleep. After a couple of minutes of tossing and turning he finally opens his eyes and sits up. The room he's in is perfectly white, without any sort of interesting features. There's a desk and a chair, but nothing on either of them. They're as white as the walls and floor, and on closer inspection, the bed he's in is just as white and spotless as the rest of the room. The sheets are a bit on the stiff side even though he's been sleeping under them, and the bed is kind of hard for his liking, so he finally squirms out from under the covers and stands.

The clothes he's wearing strike him as being wrong, though he can't recall what the "right" clothes would be. They're white - like everything else - and they're very simple. He doesn't have anything to compare them to, but the material is soft and kind of thin and feels a little odd. He shrugs off his confusion about the clothes and starts for the door. Even the doorknob is white, which strikes him as strange for about half a second before he yanks the door open.

The room that he enters is spacious. Like the room he woke up in, everything is white. There's a sofa, a small table in front of the sofa, and a couple of plush chairs. There's a couple of doors leading elsewhere, and his first order of business is to see where they lead. One leads to a perfectly white kitchen which isn't interesting right now (though some part of him wonders if the food will be just as white) and the other door he comes to is locked. There should be a front door around here somewhere though, right? He doesn't want to be here. He can't remember why he's here (or anything, really) but being here doesn't seem right.]

Comments

[alchemicals]

...You're doing fine.

[The words come after a long pause; he still isn't looking at Naki any and his voice is still tight, but he doesn't seem quite as upset, at least.]

It's not your fault, and you're doing okay. I...shit, I'm glad you're here, fucked up situation or not.

[deaftly]

But if you're in here 'cause of whatever the fuck it is that I am then... then it's my fault, even if it's not something I purposefully did.

[At least, he doesn't think he did any of this. He certainly doesn't remember being behind this.]

...I don't wanna hurt you and I don't want anything bad to happen to you and this... it fucking sucks.

[alchemicals]

[That actually gets him to move a bit, to push himself up into a sitting position and move a bit closer.]

...Hey. Hey, come on, don't start talking like that.

[He doesn't move to touch him, but he's within a decent distance to do it if either of them decide they're feeling inclined.]

I'm not going to start blaming you for this, and I don't want to hear you doing it, either. Hell, I think you care about me more than I do - either way, it's going to be okay.

[deaftly]

[He's tempted to argue that it is his fault no matter how they look at it, but Naki pauses before he speaks and in that momentary pause, he realizes that he doesn't want to fight about this. He doesn't like blaming himself, though he suspects that he should probably want to blame himself for something like this, where he actually is at fault, no matter how indirectly.

Instead he shakes his head and chooses something else to focus on.]

Yeah. It'll be okay. But uh... how can I care about you more than you care about yourself?

[alchemicals]

[He just shrugs at that; the question weirdly seems to settle him down, even if he suspects it should probably be doing the opposite of that.]

If something bad happens to me, it's not going to be the end of the world. It's going to suck, maybe, but sometimes things just do. I don't think it's anything to get all worked up over, though.

[deaftly]

...What if that something is death? I mean, I know you can't get worked up after it after you're dead, but... that's kinda something to worry about.

[So is getting locked up, but considering where they are...]

[alchemicals]

Death is probably going to suck too, yeah, or at least the whole process of it will. But like you said, if something happens to me they're probably going to put someone else in here with you, right? You won't be by yourself, and maybe whoever they give you will be better at this than me. So you'll be okay, and I'll be dead and not able to worry about it.

[deaftly]

But that's still fucked up! I mean the whole situation is fucked up but--

[Hang on, he lost his train of thought, give him a second.]

No, but you'd be dead and--! You're my friend, I don't want to lose you! I don't want anything to happen to you!!

[This is made even more distressing by the idea that his memories could easily be wiped after this. What if Kimbley's not the first person who's been thrown in here with him? What if Kimbley dies and he's forced to forget all about him?]

[alchemicals]

[Saying "he doesn't get it" is a bit of an understatement; he's headtilting really hard again.]

It's not like I'm the only friend you're ever going to have - I mean, I'm pretty wonderful, but it's not like you can't find someone else you'll like just as much.

[He's not intentionally trying to tell the guy that he can just get a new puppy after they shoot Old Yeller, but it's effectively the same thing.]

[deaftly]

Wh--

[That seems to short out Naki's brain for a good long while.]

What!? You can't just replace friends like that!! It's not "well I guess I'll be out a friend" it's "I'll lose Kimbley"; there's a big difference there!!

[KIMBLEY NO]

[alchemicals]

[.............]

...Why?

[KIMBLEY Y- ...Kimbley maybe? Shit, he doesn't know.]

[deaftly]

[KIMBLEY NO!!!!]

What do you mean "why"!? It's not the "friend" status that's important, it's the person! There's never going to be another you, so if you die I'll be losing you, not just a friend!!

[alchemicals]

[...Um.]

...See, this shit? This is why I say you care more about me than I do.

[deaftly]

B-But that's...

["Not good" is probably not the best way to end that sentence...]

Why though? You said it yourself - you're great!

[alchemicals]

Well, yeah, of course I am.

[Kimbley...]

At the same time, I'm not really worth anything and I get that. Whatever happens to me, whatever I do - it's not going to make much difference to anyone once it's over. Maybe to one or two people, sure; I'm not saying that it won't matter to you when I die, because it sounds like it will. But after you die, what then? Any trace I may have left behind will be gone, and the world will keep turning and everyone will go on their way without me.

Anything I do and anything I decide to be are all pretty much meaningless, so I guess I don't get why I should care, you know?

[deaftly]

[Naki's silent for a long time after Kimbley finishes speaking. He looks like he might want to start crying again, but he doesn't. There isn't anything he can think of to argue that and maybe if he knew more or was smarter or something he could come up with a decent argument for it. As it stands, he can't figure out what to say in response to that, so when he finally does speak it sounds almost helpless.]

...that's awful.

[It's the softest thing he's ever said, barely above a whisper. Hell, he's not even sure he said it out loud.]

[alchemicals]

It's...

[That...actually gets him to hesitate for a moment; it's horrible when Naki cries, but in some strange way it's worse when he doesn't and just kind of sits there looking like he wants to.

So Kimbley just kind of...moves a bit closer and reaches out and sets a hand on his shoulder; the gesture is like, though, like he's not sure if he's going to be shrugged off or something.]

...You going to be okay?

[deaftly]

[He doesn't shrug Kimbley off but he also doesn't react to the gesture.]

...Yeah, I'll be fine. It's just... I dunno. That's probably the most depressing thing I've ever heard.

[He can't possibly understand that view though because surviving is one of the most important things to him.

...Surviving, not living. Huh.]

[alchemicals]

[After another moment of awkwardness he lets his hand shift position again, running it through Naki's hair a bit.]

It doesn't really depress me or make me sad or anything. It actually goes the other way, I think - if nothing I do is going to matter, then why shouldn't I just live life for me, you know? There's no excuse to not do whatever makes me happy; if it's all the same to the world in the end, I should just do whatever I want because I'm only going to get one shot.

I don't look at that sort of thing like there's no reason to do anything - I look at it like there's nothing holding me back from doing whatever I want to do.

[deaftly]

I... guess that's good but... It's still really depressing. Thinking like that, I mean.

[After a moment he does lean into Kimbley's touch there. It's really nice. It's not familiar, but it's definitely nice.]

I'm pretty sure that's the exact opposite of how I think.

[alchemicals]

Yeah...?

[...Well, he won't stop, then; he seems to have calmed down quite a bit, topic notwithstanding.]

Go on, I want to hear about it.

[deaftly]

Well... I still don't remember anything, so I could be wrong about some of this but... it seems like living's the most important thing to me. I mean obviously living it up and all that but like... staying alive? I'm not really sure. It's kind of difficult to figure out. I definitely know that I want to enjoy myself, but it seems like survival's a bit more important, maybe?

[It's really difficult to explain.]

[alchemicals]

Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

[Or at least he kind of thinks he does, maybe.]

I don't know, I don't remember anything either. Maybe it's just how we were brought up or something.

[Granted, that kind of comes with the implication that he was brought up thinking he was expendable, but still.]

[deaftly]

Well, maybe, but... I dunno, I think that'd be fucking awful.

[Growing up believing that you're worthless... he can't even begin to imagine it.]

But... You're here with me now, so-- so don't do anything stupid! I mean, even if you're gonna think like that you can at least think about how much I'll cry after you're gone!! I'll use up every single goddamn tissue in this place and they'll have to restock at least five times a day!! You don't wanna do that to me, do you!?

[...this is really dumb.]

[alchemicals]

It'd be a waste of both your time and your tears, using them up on someone like me.

[His words are weirdly affectionate, though, and he tousles his hair a little while he speaks.]

I'm not going to do anything stupid, don't worry.