LOCKED TO blazingspirit

[diamondo]

[He doesn't remember much about his execution.

Oh sure, he remembers the lead-up to it; he remembers how the others looked on as he was led away and sure, he remembers Ishimaru's screams. He doesn't remember the death cage nor does he remember the sudden pain before it was all over.

It made waking up here incredibly confusing.

"Here" must be some sort of afterlife, but Mondo hasn't been able to figure out what it is, exactly. It's obviously not heaven (he's killed two people, he doesn't belong in heaven), but it doesn't seem to be hell either. Things are monotonous, yes, but they're not bad.

That leaves the option of purgatory, which Mondo is more or less fine with. It's better than spending an eternity suffering. It's probably not right for him to stay here instead of moving on to hell, but he doesn't know how or when that will happen. He's content to leave it at that for the time being.

This place is a rather large city - half of it is full of native English speakers, whom Mondo tends to avoid (his English is atrocious, after all), the other half is full of Japanese speakers. The city itself doesn't seem to be anywhere Mondo has ever seen, but it's large and spread out, with plenty to explore and do. Mondo hasn't seen everything there is to see though; he's only been here for a few weeks, and he knew if he wanted to make ends meet, he'd need a job first. Exploring could wait.

It's convenient that there's a carpenter's shop just down the road from the apartment Mondo woke up in. It might not technically be his, but he's been staying there until he can afford to properly rent it out. No one has complained so far, so he figures it's fine for the time being. The carpenter works him to the bone and he's never been so exhausted in his life when he comes home, but it's a good kind of exhaustion that means he's doing something productive. He can't make up for what he's done in the past, but he can help out here.

He's off work for the day, lounging around in what serves as the living room of his apartment, flipping through the newspaper. The dates here are all screwed up - it's almost winter here and he knows he'll have to put some money away toward buying proper winter clothes. That's only a minor concern though, because he has much bigger things to worry about.

In a city this large, it's possible that he's just missed seeing the others. He hasn't been looking very hard, admittedly. He's not sure what to say to them when he does see them. "Sorry" simply won't cut it for Fujisaki. He doesn't really want to see Kuwata, Enoshima, or Maizono either. He's sure it's only a matter of time before one of them finds him, or before someone else shows up here.

All he can do is hope that it won't be Ishimaru.]

Comments

[diamondo]

[Well the hair-playing is going to get some soft, pleased noises out of him and he'll just cuddle into that a bit, thanks!]

Yeah, I know. It's difficult to express just how important you are to me too. I think we'll be fine, kyoudai.

[...]

I guess we should probably go to bed though. You've got interviews tomorrow and I've got work.

[Look how fast he's actually moving to go to sleep.]

[blazingspirit]

Probably, yeah.

[...we are moving so quickly.]

But you're sure you're gonna be okay? This whole thing's kind of a wreck to sort through.

[diamondo]

Yeah, it really fucking is. But I think I'll be fine. I mean, it's gonna take awhile for me to be okay with it, but I've still got you. I'll be just fine.

[blazingspirit]

All right.

[He settles against Mondo again, nuzzling him a bit.]

I can't fuckin' lose you again.

[There's nothing pointed in the statement, nor is he really looking for an answer; it's a straightforward statement, said as easily as he would anything else he knows for a fact.]

[diamondo]

You won't. Fuck, you won't lose me again. Nothing's gonna separate us.

[He's quick to return that nuzzling, reaching up after a moment to mess with Ishida's hair. He knows how badly his death hurt Ishimaru, but it must have hurt Ishida a good deal too. At least here they won't have to worry about any of that.]

[blazingspirit]

[That hair-playing gets a soft, clearly pleased noise out of him, and Ishida leans up against Mondo a bit more, most of the tension he usually carries having left him for the time being.]

The way we're going, I don't think anything could.

[diamondo]

Yeah, it'd have to be something really fucking bad, but I can't think of anything that'd make me want to leave you. 'Sides, I wouldn't be a very good brother if I fucking ditched you, now would I?

[It's good to see Ishida so relaxed and it puts Mondo at ease. He continues playing with his friend's hair, occasionally tugging lightly on it, just to tease him.]

[blazingspirit]

[The tugging gets a bit of an irritated noise out of him, but he isn't truly discontent; if anything, he's more comfortable than he can really remember ever having been.

It's not the best position for spending the entire night in, but for the time being he'd be more than capable of falling asleep here if he's allowed.]

[diamondo]

[Things were good for awhile. Mondo had Ishida and he genuinely felt like things were looking up.

But as it always goes with him, things came crashing down.

He doesn't know what triggered it, all he knows is that he was perfectly fine one moment, working with the boss on a table, and the next he suddenly couldn't focus on anything and was bombarded by feelings of worthlessness. Perhaps it had been something that was said, but he can't recall any of the conversations they held for the life of him. Regardless, he slipped out of work early and returned home to flop in bed and try not to cry.

He should at least find Fujisaki and apologize to him. That might help a bit, but he doesn't even know where to begin looking. Instead of attempting that, he just remains in bed, picking at the covers idly. No, it's not the best way to deal with this sudden bout of depression (if that's what this even is), but he just doesn't want to do anything.

He can pity himself until Ishida gets home, he supposes. Then he'll have to pull himself together and pretend nothing's wrong.]

[blazingspirit]

[It's been a pretty good month, all things considered.

Ishida had managed to pay Mondo back for the clothes at the start, having been hired by that bookshop containing that ridiculously cute college girl; he's mostly just stocking and organizing shit, but he likes it because it's something to focus on that isn't the customers, he has a reason to ignore them if he's busy and if he's not he can recommend things for them that aren't utter shit. He finds out soon enough that most people have no idea what they're looking for, though; he gets frustrated when they ask him things like "What do you like?" while giving him no indication of what they like, and Cute College Girl has to save him on more than one occasion. He's had realizations about her, too, like how she can't possibly be attending college and working the same long shifts Ishida is; he tries not to wonder if she's lying to him because she was a student before she came here - if she's here now because she's dead, too.

He doesn't ask her about it, because it'll just depress him to find out and it'll probably depress her too, if that's the case; she's generally a nice girl. Kind of like Asahina, if Asahina were smarter (and admittedly pitifully flat-chested).

So Ishida is fine with his work, and he's glad to have Mondo back; as far as he knows everything is going well, and he doesn't bother to announce his presence when he returns home - he'd started work early that day, so he fully expects to be home well before Mondo is. He's not sure what to do with it when he makes his way upstairs and finds out that that's...well, not the case.]

...Hell are you doing home?

[diamondo]

[Mondo pushes himself upright and forces a grin. He's trying his best to appear casual, but it's failing pretty spectacularly.]

I wasn't feeling good, that's all. It's mostly passed.

[It hasn't passed at all, but he doesn't want to worry Ishida with this. Ishida said not to bring it up, after all. It's kind of irritating that he can't talk about it, but at the same time, what would he even say? He doesn't deserve a second chance after what happened? Hell, he didn't deserve to live past his brother? He doesn't deserve to have a friend like Ishida?

The thoughts are just making him feel worse and his smile falters a bit.]

Nothing to worry about.

[blazingspirit]

[That'll just get you a sharp look for your effort, Mondo; clearly, that ain't gonna fly.]

Bullshit, it's not - since when do you come home over something that's "nothing to worry about"?

[diamondo]

Nothing for you to worry about, that better?

[He knows he's snapping when he shouldn't be, but he can't really help himself.]

[blazingspirit]

[Oh, what the fuck - ]

And what's that supposed to mean?!

[diamondo]

Exactly what it fucking sounds like, what do you think!?

[blazingspirit]

[He flinches a little at that, though he's quick to recover himself; it isn't long before the anger kicks in.]

Fuck are you keeping shit from me?! You know I'm just going to worry about it anyway, so you might as well fucking tell me!

[diamondo]

[He doesn't miss the flinching, but he doesn't react to it. He's too wound-up for that.]

You said you don't wanna fucking hear it!

[blazingspirit]

What are you talking about?!

[Mondo's words aren't clearing anything up for him; Ishida's got no idea what's going on and if he's going to be entirely honest, it's freaking him out. It doesn't last long - the confusion and the anxiety are buried so quickly that he's almost not aware of them in the first place; rage is stronger, more familiar, and above all else it's safer - it's less vulnerable, he can defend himself better that way.

Defend himself from what, he isn't sure, but...]

If something's fucking with you then of course I want to hear it!!

[diamondo]

I don't deserve any of the shit I've got!!

[He's standing now, fists clenched at his sides and shoulders shaking but it's because he's pissed for some reason. He's more angry at himself than at Ishida, but the frustration is still there. Maybe it never really left after their initial argument about this.]

You said you didn't wanna hear me talking about this kinda shit - 'bout getting what I deserved and all that shit! It's the fucking truth though!! I got what I deserved back in that fucking school, so why the fuck am I here!? Why the fuck do I get this fucking second chance!? I've done more fucking harm than good, so I don't fucking deserve any of this!!

[blazingspirit]

What?! That...that isn't fucking true and you know it!!

[It's a weak argument, a goddamn weak argument, but he doesn't know what else to say; he wasn't expecting Mondo to get up like that and he can feel himself pulling away despite himself - something in the back of his mind is telling him that this isn't good, that he should get the hell out if he knows what's good for him, but even if he's edging back, he's not leaving, not yet.]

You got a second chance because you fucking deserve it!!

[diamondo]

That's a load of shit and you know it!!

[Mondo doesn't move from his spot, but for one heated moment he considers it. He considers storming over to Ishida and slamming him up against the wall until he understands. But Ishida isn't going to get it, even if he does take such extreme measures. Ishida seems to think that he can do no wrong.]

Maybe if I hadn't fucking killed them I would've deserved a second chance! But they're fucking dead because of me!!

[blazingspirit]

You didn't kill Daiya - that was an accident, it was a fucking accident and while maybe you caused it, there's a difference between killing someone and...and that!!

[It's the one argument he has and he knows it; there isn't much to be said for Fujisaki and while the issue with Daiya really isn't anything he should even attempt to confront, it's all he's got for the time being and he's so fucking angry and as far as he's concerned there's nothing else to be done.]

[diamondo]

He never would have died if it hadn't been for me!! He'd still be alive!! I should've died in his fucking place!!

[That might be a bit of a sore subject, given how Mondo's flat-out screaming now.]

Don't you fucking dare try to write it off as just a fucking accident!! He died to save my fucking life!! It's all my fucking fault!!

[blazingspirit]

He did that because he cared about you and he wanted more than fucking anything to make sure you lived! He fucking chose to save you; you didn't put him in that situation intentionally and most importantly you didn't force him to do it, he saved your fucking life because he fucking loved you!! And I didn't...I don't even know Daiya and I still know that he sure as fuck wouldn't want to hear you talking like this, about how you think you don't deserve to live after he made the fucking choice to save you - people make choices like that because they would rather die than see you die, they make choices like that because they couldn't fucking live with themselves if they didn't!! Are you even thinking about the shit you would have put him through if he'd lived, knowing that he wanted to save you so badly he'd die for it?! Don't you get what that's like?!

Don't you fucking get that I don't like hearing you talk like that because I made the same goddamn choice to save you, except I fucking couldn't do it?!

[His hands are clenched tightly into fists at his sides; he's shaking so badly that he almost doesn't trust himself to remain standing, but somehow, he manages. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he becomes aware that he's crying, tears streaming down his face; he doesn't bother to do anything about it.]

You want to know who I voted for in that fucking trial? I voted for myself.

[And that's about the point when he decides he's had enough; he turns away abruptly and storms out, taking the stairs so quickly that it's a wonder he doesn't fall and slamming the front door after himself so hard that it rattles the goddamn wall.]

[diamondo]

[Mondo doesn't respond, but as Ishida goes on his expression fades from fury into confusion. Is it possible that he's had it wrong? That all this time he thought he'd killed Daiya, but Daiya had made that choice in a split-second, he had willingly given his life for Mondo? Is that even possible?

But whether or not it's possible, Ishida has one very good point: Daiya wouldn't want him thinking like this. Daiya wouldn't want to see him suffering like this.

He's barely processed that before Ishida suddenly starts talking about his own choice and Mondo opens his mouth to interrupt, only to find that he doesn't have anything to say. Ishida's in tears and he's upset him horribly and why did he think yelling at Ishida would be a good idea?

Then suddenly that last bit of information is out there and Ishida's storming out the door.]

You... voted for...?

[Ishida's long gone by the time he manages to speak, his voice barely above a whisper.]

Why would you do that? You knew I was behind it. So why...?

[Because he would have done anything to save his brother. He would have given his life for Mondo's. No wonder he doesn't want to hear about this sort of shit.

Mondo sits down on the bed, running a hand back through his hair. He doesn't even realized that he's horribly mussed his pompadour; he's too busy thinking about how horribly wrong he's been. He might not deserve a second chance, but he's been given one and it would be an insult to both Daiya and Ishimaru to waste it. It's not fair that Ishimaru doesn't get that second chance (does Daiya? hell if he knows) but the only thing he can really do is pick himself up and move forward, right? He has to keep living for their sake. That's what they would have wanted.

He draws his legs to his chest and rests his forehead against his knees and breaks down crying. He hasn't cried this hard in years; it's equal parts sorrow, frustration, and relief. Maybe things will be okay. Maybe they really can be okay this time.

But first Ishida needs to come home. He will come home, won't he? All of his stuff is here, so he kind of has to come back at some point. Right?]