pokebox | LOCKED TO blazingspirit

LOCKED TO blazingspirit

[He doesn't remember much about his execution.

Oh sure, he remembers the lead-up to it; he remembers how the others looked on as he was led away and sure, he remembers Ishimaru's screams. He doesn't remember the death cage nor does he remember the sudden pain before it was all over.

It made waking up here incredibly confusing.

"Here" must be some sort of afterlife, but Mondo hasn't been able to figure out what it is, exactly. It's obviously not heaven (he's killed two people, he doesn't belong in heaven), but it doesn't seem to be hell either. Things are monotonous, yes, but they're not bad.

That leaves the option of purgatory, which Mondo is more or less fine with. It's better than spending an eternity suffering. It's probably not right for him to stay here instead of moving on to hell, but he doesn't know how or when that will happen. He's content to leave it at that for the time being.

This place is a rather large city - half of it is full of native English speakers, whom Mondo tends to avoid (his English is atrocious, after all), the other half is full of Japanese speakers. The city itself doesn't seem to be anywhere Mondo has ever seen, but it's large and spread out, with plenty to explore and do. Mondo hasn't seen everything there is to see though; he's only been here for a few weeks, and he knew if he wanted to make ends meet, he'd need a job first. Exploring could wait.

It's convenient that there's a carpenter's shop just down the road from the apartment Mondo woke up in. It might not technically be his, but he's been staying there until he can afford to properly rent it out. No one has complained so far, so he figures it's fine for the time being. The carpenter works him to the bone and he's never been so exhausted in his life when he comes home, but it's a good kind of exhaustion that means he's doing something productive. He can't make up for what he's done in the past, but he can help out here.

He's off work for the day, lounging around in what serves as the living room of his apartment, flipping through the newspaper. The dates here are all screwed up - it's almost winter here and he knows he'll have to put some money away toward buying proper winter clothes. That's only a minor concern though, because he has much bigger things to worry about.

In a city this large, it's possible that he's just missed seeing the others. He hasn't been looking very hard, admittedly. He's not sure what to say to them when he does see them. "Sorry" simply won't cut it for Fujisaki. He doesn't really want to see Kuwata, Enoshima, or Maizono either. He's sure it's only a matter of time before one of them finds him, or before someone else shows up here.

All he can do is hope that it won't be Ishimaru.]

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Huh. Well that's... new.

[He shrugs after a moment though and rolls over to hit the lights. He really does want to see if they serve as little nightlights, okay.]

'Night, kyoudai!

Uh...yeah, 'night.

[...you are so obvious, oh my god.

Just don't start poking at him when they go out once his eyes are properly closed, okay.]

[Oh my god, they actually went out!! He'll refrain from poking only because he doesn't really want to wake Ishida up. Maybe it's also because he's drifting off pretty easily.

Hopefully there won't be nightmares. Hahaha, who are we kidding.]

[Ishida doesn't expect to sleep at all that night, but he finds himself drifting reasonably quickly. Maybe it's having someone that he can trust lying there next to him; maybe it's just because he's finally out of that fucking school. Either way, he knows he's safe where he is; it does wonders in getting him to actually fall asleep.

He never dreams of Mondo's actual execution; he remembers it clearly, and he doubts he'll ever properly forget it, but the cage is never in his dreams properly. It's always the leadup to it, the end of the trial, the screaming and the pain and the way Mondo hadn't even acknowledged him in the end; the dreams never truly scare him, but they hurt more than he can really put into words.

Needless to say, he doesn't sleep long at all, and what sleep he does get is fitful; he gives up after a while, swiping his hand across his face and immediately feeling mildly disgusted with himself when he realizes he's managed to wake up crying. He doesn't move to wake Mondo, though for a brief moment he considers; it's not anything he needs help with, though, he's better than that. He forces himself to get up instead, determined to just...run water over his face or something until he gets over it.]

[Mondo never dreams about his execution. Oh sure, what little he remembers of it was horrifying, but his dreams never reflect it. Sometimes he dreams about the trial, though sometime's it's not his trial but rather a different trial all together, one where they have to convict someone like Naegi or Fujisaki, someone who would never kill on purpose, but something simply happened and they were responsible.

In those dreams, they never drag the trial out. They always confess.

Of course he feels bad about it. He should have confessed right away. He hadn't known what to do and had froze up, letting the others figure things out instead. There had been a moment where he thought he could get away with it, and in that moment he was more concerned with saving himself than killing the others. He hadn't even thought about sacrificing them for his own safety.

That moment disgusts him. He tries not to think about it.

Tonight's nightmare isn't about a trial though. Tonight's nightmare is reliving Kuwata's execution, something he's found himself dreaming about a lot lately. Maybe he's dreaming about it so often because he simply can't dream about his own. Hell if he knows.

He wakes up not long after Ishida has left the bed and for an instant he's certain that seeing Ishida was some sort of dream, or something his mind made up. Ishida isn't really here - Ishimaru is still alive, shouldn't he take comfort in that?

Instead he ends up gripping the covers so tightly his knuckles turn white, and he tries to force himself to calm down. It's alright if he's back home. It's better that way. He repeats it like a mantra.

Finally the sound of running water reaches him and Mondo relaxes his grip on the covers. Ishida has to be here, right? He gets up to investigate. Yes, Ishida's still here. He can't help but be relieved.]

Bad dreams?

[Ishida's stopped slicking water over his face by now, but he's still letting the tap run, leaning heavily over the sink and gripping the edges of it so hard that his knuckles are blanching. A shot of tension courses through his body, though he doesn't move much; he realizes that it probably looks like Mondo's startled him, but it isn't that - he's just trying to keep himself from crying again.

He's successful in that endeavor, at least, finally looking up at Mondo when he's certain that he can; he forces a smirk, despite the fact that he's taken a moment too long to reply for that to look natural and he knows it.]

Yeah, something like that. It'll probably take a while for that to let up.

[...]

You too, I guess?

[Huh, those eye flames really do serve as nightlights...

Anyway, Mondo watches Ishida tense and he's about to apologize when Ishida finally speaks.]

Yeah. If it'll ever let up.

[He doubts it. What they went through was absolutely horrific. He nods at the question.]

I'm guessing you don't wanna talk about it?

[Ishida just looks at him a bit strangely for that.]

...do you?

[It's not really a challenge, despite his usual tone coming into play fairly strongly, it's a straightforward question; it's not exactly a "no", either. At the same time, if he's going to be expected to have Oversharing Hour in the middle of the night, he sure as hell isn't going to be the only one.]

Ah, mine was just Kuwata's execution. Again. I've been dreaming a lot about that recently.

[He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly.]

Not really much to talk about there, huh? But I get if you don't wanna talk about it, I mean, this shit's bad enough to relive in your dreams; talking about it's just as bad.

Yeah, I have a lot of nightmares about Kuwata, too - most of them are. I think because what happened to Enoshima happened too fast to really stick, you know?

[He lowers his head again, watching the water swirl through the sink for a moment before turning the tap off; he doesn't resume eye contact.]

...The human brain's designed to forget shit. If it wasn't, we'd never stop remembering the bad things; bad memories stick harder than most. So we start forgetting details as soon as it happens. We can remember that it happened, but we don't remember everything about it. We'd go fuckin' insane otherwise.

So you focus on a few details, and for some reason that's what freaks you out.

[Delivering facts and information like this...it was always more Ishimaru's thing, not his; just the same, it's not like he can't do it, the topic's just awkward as fuck.]

If it's about investigating Maizono's body, it's usually how there was a bit of blood coming out of her mouth; for Kuwata it's that fucking...noise, that weird dull noise the first few made when they hit him. I think with Enoshima, it was too much, too fast; no one thing really stayed with me about it.

[He's quiet for a moment.]

I don't...really remember their faces. I've never had the greatest memory for that shit, but I can usually connect names or behaviors or something and it'll come back - but hell if I can really remember what those three actually looked like in the face.

[Mondo lets him talk without interrupting. There's something almost comforting about how he can relay these facts just like Ishimaru would, but then the facts actually sink in and the whole thing goes horrifying really quickly. Maybe he's just trying to be detached about this because it makes it easier? Regardless, it's creeping Mondo out.]

I guess that'd explain it. I know what you're talking about though with that noise.

[He remembers that all too well. He remembers a lot of Kuwata's execution, it's details about Enoshima and Maizono that he tends to forget.]

Huh, really? That'd make the nightmares even more fucking horrifying, I think. That must be hard.

[He reaches out to touch Ishida's shoulder. He hasn't missed the fact that Ishida isn't looking at him.]

Sorry to hear that you're dealing with shit like that. Maybe things'll get better in time?

[It's really the most he can offer. Mondo is rather pleased that Ishida's nightmares aren't about his execution or Ishida's death though; he can at least take comfort in that.]

[In some ways, he's darkly pleased that Mondo knows what he's talking about with regards to that fucking sound; it freaks him out more than just about anything else that happened during that execution, and that entire execution was fuckawful.]

Maybe, yeah; it doesn't hurt as much as it used to, anyway.

[He tenses a little at that hand on his shoulder, though; he still doesn't look up, and it soon becomes plain that his thoughts have gone in at least partially the same direction Mondo's did.]

...I remember the other execution. Yours. I remember a lot of that one, but I haven't had any dreams about it yet. I don't know if I never will or what; I wouldn't be surprised if it happened one day.

Most of my dreams involving that are about the trial, though.

[Mondo flinches hard, but he doesn't pull his hand away. He knew this was coming, didn't he? He'd have to talk about this with Ishida eventually. Of course he doesn't want to, but what else is he supposed to do? Ignore it? He can't exactly do that anyway.]

Shit. I'm sorry.

[That's all he says for a moment, even though he knows he needs to elaborate.]

Everything I did in that trial was fucking awful. I should've just told the truth from the start. I shouldn't have let you-- or well, Ishimaru - argue for me. I'm sorry.

[He hesitates again, finally adding on to that.]

I should've at least thanked you-- err, him - for trying to help. But I didn't, I was so wrapped up in that promise I made to my brother that I couldn't even focus on anything that was really happening. I... I was so fucking scared.

[He bites his lower lip and glances away, finally drawing back.]

I'm so fucking sorry.

[Ishida listens to all that in silence; it hurts when Mondo pulls away, a deep ache welling up in his chest, and his words are quiet when he speaks.]

...it wasn't enough, anyway.

[He readjusts his hands against the sink; he can feel himself starting to shake.]

I did everything I could for you, everything I could think of, but it...it wasn't fucking enough.

I'm sorry. I-I'm sorry, kyoudai, that I couldn't...do more for you, I...

[Mondo doesn't notice the shaking at first, but when he finally glances up at Ishida and sees it, he reaches out to pull him into a hug.]

Don't say that. You did more than enough for me. Yeah, I guess you don't think it's enough 'cause it didn't save me, but you did everything you could, kyoudai. Please don't apologize to me, okay? You did everything in your power and that's enough for me. That's more than enough for me.

[He reaches up to mess with Ishida's hair again, hoping to calm him down.]

You know how you said you didn't want to hear me saying I got what I deserved? Well, I don't want you saying you didn't do enough for me, alright?

[It hurts, to think that Ishimaru - and Ishida - tried so damn hard to save him and still blame himself (themselves?) for it.]

'Sides, we're here now. That's what's important, right? We gotta focus on our futures here.

[Ishida lets Mondo pull him over to him; he doesn't resist the hug any, but he isn't latching on like he did before, either. He just leans up against him, burying his face in Mondo's shoulder while his brother speaks; that last part just gets him to tense up again, and he hesitates before he replies. When he finally does, the response is muffled; the words themselves are strangely detached again.]

He couldn't do that anymore. Not after everything that happened. That's why I'm here now.

[Mondo lets out a shaky breath at that. He was certain it was something like that, but hearing it confirmed is chilling. Ishimaru couldn't continue on, so Ishida came into being as a coping mechanism. He doesn't stop playing with Ishida's hair but it takes him a moment to find something to say.]

I'm sorry. If I hadn't... Shit. I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could've done differently, but I guess there's no sense dwelling on the past.

[Ishida finally moves to return that embrace then, wrapping his arms tightly around Mondo and holding him close; it's closer to clinging than anything else.]

...He never blamed you for it; he wasn't angry with you.

[Mondo can't quite explain the sense of relief that floods through him on hearing that. Shouldn't Ishimaru be angry with him? Shouldn't Ishimaru hate him for that? He doesn't deserve Ishimaru, that's for damn sure. Ishida doesn't seem to blame him for it either, but still...]

What about you?

[He certainly understands the clinging; he's moved to properly hug Ishida and he's pretty sure he's clinging too.]

[His grip just tightens a bit at that.]

Of course not.

[Again he's nearly overwhelmed with a sense of relief - though wasn't it obvious that Ishida wasn't upset with him? If he was, he would have stormed out long ago.]

I... thanks. I'm glad you're not upset with me.

[He considers saying that Ishida should be mad at him, but he can't bring himself to say it. He's just so glad that his brother isn't angry with him.]

[He hesitates for a moment before nuzzling up against Mondo again.]

I mean, it...hurt. And I would have done anything to save you. Anything.

But I'm not mad, okay?

[He nuzzles against Ishida in return, but doesn't speak right away. Of course it hurt him. He knows that. But it's still such a relief that Ishida (and Ishimaru) isn't mad at him.]

I'm sorry. I wish I could have done things differently. You never deserved any of that shit. You're too good to me, y'know?

[He laughs weakly once that's out there.]

Thanks though. I really appreciate it. I'd hate to have you mad at me.

Hey, don't mention it. And I'm not too good to you - you're my brother, there's no such thing!

[He seems to be calming down, at least, and he's just going to nuzzle you a bit more at that. Of course he's not angry, all right.]

[Mondo used to say the same thing to Daiya all the time. He grins widely at that, hugging Ishida tighter for a moment. For once it doesn't hurt to hear something like that coming from someone else.]

Well, thanks anyway. I really appreciate it.

LOCKED TO blazingspirit

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